Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Guest column: From Alaska, with love of money

If Alaska’s two most powerful women politicians were to chat, what might the conversation be? The following is one satirist’s take on a phone call from Gov. Sarah Palin to Sen. Lisa Murkowski.

“Hi, Lisa. It’s me.”
“Umm … Sarah? What do you want?”
“Oh, nothing, really. I was just wondering what you were going to wear to the inauguration balls.”
“I don’t know. I haven’t decided. Maybe a conservative business suit.”
“How conservative?”
“Look, I’ve got a house full of PAC men here and I really can’t talk right now.”
“Want me to call back?”
“Sure. How about in about two years.”
“Well, I didn’t want us both to wear the same outfit. You know, so that we don’t clash with each other.”
“Um hmm. I suppose you don’t want me to wear red.”
“You got it, sister. That’s my color. After all, I earned it.”
“You betcha.”
“And that’s my line. Don’t you go appropriating it.”
“Look, I’ve really gotta go. I have to mingle with my guests.”
“OK. Umm, speaking of appropriations … .”
“Have you talked to the Begster about keeping the congressional fiduciary pipeline open back up here to the Great Land?”
“As a matter of fact, yes. The special projects spigot is still in the ‘on’ position. If it’s any of your business.”
“Sorry. It’s just that I feel so … so … isolated up here.”
“Well, I’m sure that you’ll be staying busy hiring and firing, and ironing the blue and gold bunting for all the statehood celebrations.”
“What celebrations?”
“Come on, sweetie. Alaska’s 50th anniversary of statehood.”
“Geez, that’s right.”
“Don’t tell me you forgot. Too busy with political beauty pageants?”
“Gimme a break, Miss Nepotism of 2002.”
“Stop with the name-calling, dearie. It has become so pre-election.”
“Speaking of elections …”
“Don’t even go there.”
“You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d think that you were actually not going to step aside for the good of the party in 2010.”
“I have no intention of stepping down. Not for you, not for — well, not for you.”
“The pollsters are already giving me a 10-point lead, sister.”
“Hmmph. Don’t forget about the restraining order that I have against you.”
“What restraining order?”
“The one that says you are to keep at least 25,000 votes away from me. At all times.”
“Oh, that. Yeah, I heard about that. But I fired the guy who was gonna serve it on me. How do you like them apples?”
“It is those apples, missy. Get a life. Or at least better grammar.”
“You leave my family outta this.”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“Okay, bye.”
“Bye … umm, Sarah?”
“Are you really going to come be down here in D.C. in January?”
“Yep. You betcha. I’ll just be unobtrusively hanging around on the outer fringes of power.”
“Right. In your bright red dress with that rhinestone tiara, I suppose.”
“So? What’s wrong with that? I’m sure nobody will even notice me.”
“You are going to return to Alaska afterwards, right?”
“Golly, I suppose so. Eventually.”
“Okay. [sigh] A hundred million.”
“For openers?”
“And you’ll come up in July to cut the ribbon for the groundbreaking of my future gubernatorial libary?”
“It’s ‘lie-brer-ee’.”
“Okay, library.”
“Oh, all right. Say good night, Sarah.”
“Good night, Sarah.”

Bill Gronvold is a freelance writer who lives in Kenai and Florida.

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